I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
