Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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