the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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