After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
