I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
