I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Couch. On fire.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
