I wish I could punch you in the face.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
