If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
