It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
