Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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