it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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