Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
