i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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