I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
