ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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