You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
and you said cock pushups were impossible
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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