you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
