We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
