I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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