Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
