I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
