I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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