we have officially lost it.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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