Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
