You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
