I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
