Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
