Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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