I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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