Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
