Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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