i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
