peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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