i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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