So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
