A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
