Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
