If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
