pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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