remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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