Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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