Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
