Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
