im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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