Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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