Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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