A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
