i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
