girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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