Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
