i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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