Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i wish my penis had a tongue
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
